As I type , I try to recall my earliest memories with my love/sex addiction battle. Coming from a broken, fragmented, damaged, addictive parental background and raised by my Mother I am only aware in my adulthood of the impact of rejection and grief for the family I never had in my childhood. I am conscious I don’t want to look back with doom on my history, but I do know there’s lots of darkness still hidden and a complicated history of ‘adult child syndrome’.
My sexual fantasies I remember started as a young child , most likely in order to escape the reality and loneliness I was experiences as A consequences to being estranged from my Father in my early years and the separation between me and my Mother due to her alcoholism, post natal depression and other health issues. This caused not only a social poverty but A spiritual poverty early on in my development. I was quite clued up as a child to the circumstances I was being raised in, but powerless over the need to protect and fix my Mother from as early as infanthood. Which I presumed was a desire for her to meet my needs. Though these roles were reversed and something I still battle with daily to break free from the responsibility of saving her from her impending alcoholic death.
Love & Sex
I was a very loving and bubbly child like most, I would cuddle anyone and was liked and love by many for my warmth and cheerful presence.
I see now this part of my personality is still present and screams for attention and love in order to fill the severed bonds with my own parents.
I do believe i experience extreme neglect, social reports proved witness to this and so do some family members accounts. Though I still do not look back in anger or believe I was a hopelessly rejected victim of a child what so ever, many pleasant memories made up for some of the loss, though for the purpose of understanding my SLAA addiction it is necessary to account for the damage, links and impact of my surroundings to understand its root , in order for recovery to progress.
Unhealthy attachments were forms with friends other children at school, and i became very dependent on these friendship relationships for my happiness, I would obsess over them and fantasies about my lives with them – I recognize this early on. Me and my younger brother had a codependent relationship – I would feel over responsible for him and watch over him while he slept, believing I was protecting him from my Mother Alcoholism.
Family sexual dysfunction occurred on a minor level and I believe I remember my step brothers touching me sexually whilst in their care, they were young teenagers when I was a young child. I developed crushes on my step brothers and this manifested a sense of shame and confusion quite early on with my sexuality.
I recall being promiscuous and would often undress in public in stressful times. I was constantly seeking attention and love.
Sleeping arrangements were significant of my fears of abandonment as a child as I remember sleeping in beds with parents, grandparents and brothers throughout most of my child hood and adolescence. I struggled to let go and had a over developed sense of responsibility.
It is questionable weather I was abused by any of my mums partners during her neglect and alcoholism.
I lost my virginity early to a young boy who pressured me to sleep with him, In adolence I dont remember often consenting to sex , although id laugh joke and show of about my early experiences , deep down i was ashamed and mostly felt under pressure to conform to pleasing members of the opposite sex.
My mind as a teenagers would often be bombarded with sexual thoughts and fantasies, like many experience in developing adolescence, but I had no guidance or reassurance of how I was experimenting and this made me vulnerable to the bullying types.
This fed my shame and low self esteem.
This is just the start of my story.
As a adult I have once again finally broken free from a destructive, toxic and abusive partner and seeking SLAA for my recovery, this is the addiction that brings me to my knees, so this is the one I will take first to the lord.
Thanks for reading