Hi, I’m new to this and don’t know if this should be logged under compulsion but I know I need help and I’m contemplating going to SLAA. I’ve masturbated since I was a small boy (sometimes using porn), I regularly fantasise, have been to a massage parlour and strip clubs and have had extramarital sex with an ex colleague. I am married with a child. I’m desperately unhappy with my behaviour, I feel terribly guilty all the time and feel like other people can see inside my head (and I’m pretty sure that some people know about my behaviours) I’m frightened that my family and friends will find out about my behaviours and disown me. I’m always worried about my reputation – personal and work. I’m worse when I’m away from home with work and have been drinking. I can’t believe how stupid and selfish I have been. The last time it occurred, I resolved to never do it again but I have gradually found myself slipping into my old ways. I’ve started to wonder if this is the script of my life which feels me with despair as I know I can be better. I know I’ve got to change and I’m on borrowed time but don’t know where to turn to? Kev
S.L.A.A. UK
The Augustine Fellowship
Hi Kev, thank you for your share, I so identify with the idea of resolving never to do something again only to find yourself slipping back into old behaviour, it really is the first step of this programme i.e total powerlessness over our addiction, a desperation to stop and a total inability to do so on our own. I also identify with the feeling that this is simply the script of my life and there is not much I can do about it, it really left me feeling in total despair as my acting out never brought me anything but pain in the end and still I carried on. For me, things have started to change and this is because I turned to the fellowship. I would say get to a meeting, you have nothing to lose, I don’t know where you live but if you are able to find a local one then give it a go and I am sure you will get some great identification and understanding and you will certainly find a great deal of support. I have shared this many times but I was told to try 6 meetings before making a decision as to whether I wanted to commit to the programme and this was a good suggestion. Go to the meetings, listen to the similarities not the differences, share if you can and talk to others after the meeting and maybe get some phone numbers. If there are no meetings close to you I would suggest trying the 40 questions of self diagnosis and reading up on some of the SLAA literature just to get started. You have made a really big leap by logging on to this sight and by honestly sharing and I wish you all the best. I have been where you are and know how much it hurts but for me this fellowship is slowly re-assuring me that I can change one day at a time and that I am worth more than the misery and despair that I have been living with for so long. Take good care and get to those meetings, I believe that there lies the solution. Grace