Big Step Help Please

I’m 21 years old and I’ve already slept with 40 women. I don’t know if this is normal or if it is because I’ve spent the past three years at Uni where I’ve been involved in many casual relationships.

I feel embarrassed about this and I want to meet the right person but every relationship I’ve been in has been ruined by the lack  of buzz I get from the having sex with new people.

I’ve engaged in sex with people I wasn’t necessarily attracted to, people I know weren’t right for me and I’ve had one STD scare before but have since been cleared.I feel sordid, ashamed and worried about the next person I meet. It appears to be a vicious circle because I seem to have meaningless sex with people because I get the feeling they wouldn’t want me as a boyfriend or I’m worried about getting bored and my libido getting the better of me.

I hope that once I graduate later this year that it will be easier to get a grip on this, not being surrounded by potential opportunities might be one step towards having healthy relationships. I’m worried I’m on my own and I don’t want to be scaring women off with my past prowess because it simply isn’t me.

Any advice would be great. Thank you.

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One thought on “Big Step Help Please

  1. Fergus Post author

    Oz123 in some ways you are so lucky. You recognized the issue early on and are seeking help in dealing with it. I am a bisexual man..the best or worst of both worlds.
    I have been in a long term gay relationship and cheated in the early years then negotiated/bullied my partner into an open relationship. I can identify totally with the vicious cycle of meaningless sex and your libido getting the better of you.
    Like uni days the gay scene is full of sexual possibilities and therefore I don’t believe leaving your university is going to make the problem easier. Unfortunately if you or I are hooked on sex as a means of feeling better then I can’t see that a geographical change will make a difference.
    I have always realized at some level that I obsessed with sex, needed the validation of sex and being wanted more than other people. When I was your age I was very striking looking and got loads of attention from both men and women. The fact I said I was gay seemed to spur some women on in the ardor for me. These women evidently think they are “real women”, if they can bed a gay guy.
    However the change that I also hoped for didn’t change after university and the cycle continued.
    I was interested in what you said about the women not wanting you as a boyfriend, maybe so. However have you considered that they also might have problems with sex and self esteem also?
    I think your on the right track. Your absolutely brilliant in my opinion in that you recognized and listened to your “inner voice” and sought out help. I chose not to listen and went on hurting myself and others. I am afraid my fall has been deeper and greater than other people’s because the behavior has been so long term. However no matter what you choose to do you know have that realization inside you that makes you know you have choices. I am not sure your going to be able to change your behavior without support.
    I am going to start attending slaa in the next few weeks. I know I can’t do it alone. However you have to decide what is right for your. Your awareness is a great gift and.
    I attend another 12 step fellowship and one of our slogans is Awareness,Acceptance and Action. You have the awareness and some acceptance that things aren’t right with you. It is now up to you to take the next step. I think that you will be surprised how good life can be. Best of luck in your studies and keep talking about your feelings.

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