how do I cope?

I’ve been married to my husband for nearly 6 yrs.

Even in the first year, I stumbled across trouble when I found him texting with another girl.   I threw him out, he said it meant nothing, and that it was just text sex. I let him back.I caught him leaving the house for work one evening with condoms in his pocket.

This apparently is just something he has always done since his single days and comes naturally to him. I have found out that after being away with work, he would sooner text other woman before contacting me.  I acquired an STI from him, one that he had had for years but didn’t realize.

He joined the military..I had accepted that he was a selfish, self centered bloke who said he would change. And for the last year, I thought everything was fine and he had. I then went away for a week with work and on my return, my husband said he would come home to see me. He literally had 45 minutes between shifts and driving home and back would practically take that so I thought it odd.

Sorry but because of his past antics, I am suspicious.I knew that when I left on the Monday, there were 6 condoms in the drawer. Now there were 3. Good going for my 3 nights away.

When we got together all those years ago, he always told me that if I asked him,  he would be honest with me about his wandering. So I asked him and he denied sleeping with anyone else since we had been married. I’m not stupid and I know when he’s lying, he’s done it enough. A week later, I took his car to the post office to collect a parcel. His windscreen is smaller than mine to de-ice. Enroute, a message arrives on a phone in his car.

Guess what, its a second phone with girls names and no on. I did a bit if digging and it turns out that he had slept with most of them. Unprotected as well and one of them was possibly pregnant.He had left for work shortly after I got back from the PO, but soon figured that his car was missing a vital mobile. Panic set in and he wouldn’t leave me alone all day. Once I had the evidence I needed all he could say was he felt like killing himself.

How can I trust someone who has no respect for me? We have been to see a Councillor and my husband accepts that everything is his fault and the way his mind works. I will add that I am willing to accept blame in some part as well, as I’m not perfect. He has been advised to see a pycho-sexual therapist.

He has been to some SLAA meetings but just comes back saying he is confused about things. I am struggling to think of reasons to stay with him. I’ve accepted he has a problem, and have told him that I am willing to stand by and support him.

I understand there has to be some anonymity about SLAA but who can I speak to?Are we allowed to have sex whilst he’s going to SLAA or will this make things worse?

I know that I can cope perfectly well without him and to be honest would rather live alone, than with someone who doesn’t care about hurting me.

I really am so confused about where I stand in relation to SLAA stuff. Are there meetings for partners? Can I go to the same ones as him? Is it better if I leave him and let him figure it out himself? How can I ever trust him again?

Any help will be greatly appreciated

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One thought on “how do I cope?

  1. Prof Post author

    Whats important is that he demonstrates to you and himself that he is willing to change.
    That isn’t just saying to you that he will change, it means dedication to recovery. meetings outreach calls and having a sponsor.
    I expect he is confused as SLAA has such a wide variation in presentations and issues that some meetings may seem less relevant.
    You could attend along with him at one of the open SLAA meetings to see what it is like.
    It would be best, however, after you have attended to let him attend others on his own.
    To overcome addiction requires honesty, of which he will struggle with if you are sitting next to him.
    I think you can learn to trust in him again, however, you are right to be wary for some time. It will take many months or years.

    If you find yourself keep coming back to be with him then you may find CODA meetings useful for yourself.

    Encourage him to attend SLAA for a while and see how it goes.

    Best of luck

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