Help. I have been in a relationship for 8 years with a married man. I have known he has had some other flings but got through the pain etc not really understanding what was going on, last year he began to open up to me about being a sex addict and we both started to read about it and try and make some sense of what was happening.Including my role in it all. He then promply withdrew from me, didn’t want heavy discussions etc and I eventually ended the relationship. In February this year we got back together and he told me about a relationship he had while we were apart ( later of course it emerged that this had started while we were together and was providing the highs etc) A few weeks after this he discovered the person he had been with was pregnant, his wife has found out, everyone is hurt and distraught and it has proved to be the turning point in him seeking help. As part of that I know I have to leave him as his wife is standing by him . But….. where does this leave me? I am desperate for some help to deal with my pain and betrayal but also ashamed and acutely aware that he was married and I should not have been with him anyway. I love him very much and know he loves me and just don’t know what to do. we have tried no contact and are successful for a while but he wants to remain friends and I just have not got the strength to let him go completely.I am normally an independent succesful woman, I am in my mid forties but feel so stupid. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, what did you do? Any help or advice would be appreciated.I am very new to this and don’t know if I have put this in the right section
thanks
soconfused
Dear Soconfused Don’t be too harsh on yourself, you sound like you have been through such a lot and continue to be. I have been exactly where you are and it was to be truthful horrendous. However it sounds like you now could be in a more hopeful and positive place. Is there a support group near you? There you will find lots of people in the same or similar position to you, who understand what you have been through and are experiencing now. Their support will prove invaluable. I would also suggest you read around the topic of love/sex addiction, texts are easy to find especially online, and they really help to clarify and gain understanding of this disease. For your own well being I would also suggest that you try to keep a distance from your partner, this may prove to be very difficult but ultimately very important in trying to aid your recovery. Space does seem to show things in a different light, from lovers to friends in an addictive relationship in my experience is an impossibility. Reading some of the stories on here and posting your feelings may also prove beneficial. Never for a moment think you are alone in what you are feeling or the situation you are in…nothing could be further than the truth.You sound a lovely person, I wish you peace & serenity
Thank you that was helpful. I do feel very alone but am scared of going to meetings because I feel so ashamed, also the entire relationship has been secret and it is difficult to break out of that. Re your comments about friendship I know we cannot remain friends as to do that would be keeping more secrets from his wife. But he is so sure we can do this and I know he is having such a tough time. Although it is so messed up we have always been there for each other and I just can’t imagine getting through this without each other.Mad I know! He is now having therapy and I was wondering if I could get some as well. Oh dear, I think this is going to be such a tough time. It has helped to see a reply, thank you
Dear Soconfused I cant imagine that there is a person present at any meeting that has not done anything that they are not ashamed of…I think shame comes hand in hand with this disease. Secrets are not good because they allow you to normalize behaviour that is no such thing…when you talk and listen to others and find similarities in their stories it allows you to question the questionable, to stop believing the unbelievable and to know that you are not alone. This disease is very isolating. You say you want to stay friends and ultimately that is for you to decide but dont conveniently forget that while he wasnt seeing you he was involved with another lady who now is with child….you didnt go into detail but this must be devastating for you. Why empathise with him when the situation is of HIS own making, what about YOU, the pregnant lady, the child and what about his wife! You will get through with or without him…because what else can you do? You are stronger than you think you are…I am certain of that. Therapy is invaluable, I met the most amazing therapist and group of ladies all in the same situation. I wasnt judged or condemned and I finally understood what has been happening to me for so long and why I have continued to let it happen. We are co-dependent to the addicts, but our addiction is them! I have read and read and read it so helps (type love addiction into the well known online book supplier and loads of titles will come up!) ….and things do make sense to me now…….however if my ex gets in touch with me I disregard all I have learnt and act in ways that leave me humiliated, in contempt of myself and always alone…he always leaves, he always rejects me until he is ready to dance again. My needs are never addressed let alone met. If nothing changes nothing changes, I have cut myself off from him and refuse to be hooked back in, hooked back into the dance. My life is now about looking after me, I have always put myself last, I am learning to say no…ultimately I am the only person I can control…its time I had love for me. Take care.
Hello Greta Your story, like Soconfused’s really touched me. You sound so together and really aware of your situation and seemingly have taken the steps to end the ‘dance’. I have learnt that I am almost predisposed to find unavailable, men who cant love utterly irresistible. Heaven knows how the pattern can be broken…I have been dating since the age of 21…am 40 now. I have never been in a relationship with a good man, one who appreciates me and treats me like I am worthy of love.I don’t think I have ever been loved by anyone….what an admission…the first time I realized it I was distraught now I am quite indifferent to it. Your husband sounds a good man, do you have a positive & nurturing relationship with him…could you put the attention and focus you put on the addict into your relationship with him? The addiction to something that we know is not good for us seems to me quite extraordinary but it is so difficult to overcome. Apparently the root lies in childhood. I have read a number of books as I stated before, Women who love too much Robin Norwood, Betrayal bond Patrick Carnes, How to break your addiction to a person Howard Halpern, and the books by Melody Beattie are just amazing. I think once you get to your bottom line in these relationships it can help you to see clearly the truth you have tried hard to deny. It sounds like you have reached yours too. I love the way you enlisted your friend to help support you in the choices you had made. Have you thought of joining a group? Don’t be hard on yourself, in the midst of these entanglements we will do things we will regret later…but what done is done! The future is ours to seize. Wishing you peace & love
Hello Greta Your story, like Soconfuseds really touched me. You sound so together and really aware of your situation and seemingly have taken the steps to end the ‘dance’. I have learnt that I am almost prediposed to find unavailable, men who cant love utterly irresistable. Heaven knows how the pattern can be broken…I have been dating since the age of 21…am 40 now. I have never been in a relationship with a good man, one who appreciates me and treats me like I am worthy of love.I dont think I have ever been loved by anyone….what an admission…the first time I realised it I was distraught now I am quite indifferent to it. Your husband sounds a good man, do you have a positive & nurturing relationship with him…could you put the attention and focus you put on the addict into your relationship with him? The addiction to something that we know is not good for us seems to me quite extraordinary but it is so difficult to overcome. Apparently the root lies in childhood. I have read a number of books as I stated before, Women who love too much Robin Norwood, Betrayal bond Patrick Carnes, How to break your addiction to a person Howard Halpern, and the books by Melody Beattie are just amazing. I think once you get to your bottom line in these relationships it can help you to see clearly the truth you have tried hard to deny. It sounds like you have reached yours too. I love the way you enlisted your friend to help support you in the choices you had made. Have you thought of joining a group? Dont be hard on yourself, in the midst of these entanglements we will do things we will regret later…but what done is done! The future is ours to seize. Wishing you peace & love
I can identify entirely with your situation. i got involved with somebody I used to know thru friends re last year. he was so charming, teasing and flirtatious that i was drawn into his web almost immediately. both our spouses had been seriously ill so much empathy blablabla. he was so unhappy after breaking up with another woman he had been having a six-year affair with, his marriage was almost sexless he said. real sob story and I fell for it. my rival became his ex. his wife wasn’t even in the picture. loved my husband but was in need of romance and excitement….i had never had any other partner in my life apart from my husband. that is the truth. months of passionate writing ensued, him telling me he wasn’t right for me, confessing he was a philanderer and had cheated on his wife throughout their marriage…he had had lots of brief encounters, no emotional involvement. but i was hooked to a cheat and a liar. ..even told him so and the insults and accusations would fly as we both had tempers…but then I would crawl back for more. We finally met up and spent one night together which he said was great but was a huge let down for me. as cool as a cucumber and almost no emotion came from him. when i returned to my country our emails became even more passionate but the guilt i felt freaked me out and we would have huge arguments. another chance to get together during another trip but i freaked and couldn’t go through with it. in the meantime his wife had discovered his previous affair, had thrown him out and then taken him back. but he still hadn’t wanted to give me up. guilt, our consciences, fear, whatever, stopped us from seeing each other in June. since then its been on off but I realize i only ever got his attention if i offered sex. talking about emotions was a no go area. would say ‘it’s not that I don’t have feelings’ and stuff like that but nothing more. wife has decided she wants to get adventurous and swinging seems to be on the cards and I’ve decided that I can’t go there. and for ten days it’s been really hard. wanted to stay friends and keep writing because I’ve tried so hard to stop time and time again but I’m addicted. But yesterday’s emails left me very bitter and suspicious. Told him I had joined LAA(America) and he was offended I felt i had to recover. I sent a definition of what love, sex and romance addiction is hoping he’d see some of his own traits too but I really don’t think he cares. he was the one to bring up the expression ‘no contact’ so I feel he must know more than he is letting on… or am I just being paranoid about this too? I’m disgusted with myself, want to give him up for good even tho’ i told him I’d wait for him forever, feel sorry for his poor wife. and my poor husband. have blocked him as a contact on msn. removed that email account from my mobile, got my friend to open my inbox this morning and delete if there was anything, change the password and then close down account I’ve had enough. he’s a manipulative narcissist and sex addict. I was addicted to the cybersex but have kicked that already. definitely a one-off for me because he kept pushing boundaries. now I must get rid of my addiction to his weird kind of ‘love’
Phew! The pain that comes from reading these replies is almost overwhelming. I know my first step has to be to stop the secrecy and hopefully being on here will help with that. I also know I am in love with him and know he is now working on himself, at times I have been worried about him because he is honestly devastated at the chaos and pain he has caused. But part of that working on himself means I just have to get out of his life. I understand but can’t quite get my head around that by being with me he is acting out! feeling i am an addiction makes me feel so undervalued. We did such a lot together , I supported him through such difficult times and for such a long time. what is making it even more difficult is that I am prepared to read up on and work through this stuff and I have been so instrumental in getting him to see what is happening. he has talked to me about all of it. I suppose deep down I keep thinking we can get through it and start a different relationship! stupid I know. This is so hard
Thanks to everyone who has posted replies. Will keep on trying
Dear soconfused and Greta,This is my first posting, and I’d like to say that you are not alone. I too am in love with a sex addict, and in my case he is married too. I thought my love and patience could eventually change him; it didn’t, but it did make him somewhat aware of his addiction. He acknowledges it but I’m not sure he will work on it; it has been with him for so long. It’s really difficult, being in love with an addict. Don’t underestimate the challenge and so don’t be hard on yourself for despairing. I realized that I couldn’t do this by myself, and so now see a therapist to understand myself better. Even if my guy doesn’t want to go to therapy (I had hoped he would), I can’t do anything about it — ultimately, it’s his life. I have cut off contact with him now, and am slowly divorcing him from my life. And it’s hard, sometimes I think I can’t go on, but we have to. Your life is precious and you deserve love and peace; but don’t wait for something in the future. My therapist gave me a book (EDITED). I highly recommend it. It’s about living without pain, without dependency. Be strong, BM
Me again. I suppose what I wonder is if a sex addict is prepared to work on issues and the partner can also work on the co dependency then can the relationship ever work? Does it have to be done apart from each other? can the sex addict do the work and the partner do nothing, how would that work?I know he is married and should do this with his wife and I have no place
Hello again! I dont think the relationship can work …which one of you is his partner…you, his wife, the pregnant girlfriend, are you sure there are no other ladies you dont know of? Each of the ladies he is involved with is his co-dependent. Regardless the addict must want to get help for himself, he must realise he has a problem, he must have reached his bottom line and feel that he is powerless over his addiction. If you are the only one doing the work nothing can really change. Both of you must want to seek help otherwise you will continue to act as triggers for each other. In my experience if you are asking him to get help for himself that he does not really want, he will establish a new relationship with someone who is oblivious to his addiction or re-enter an already established relationship where no pressure is put on him to change or alter his behaviour. I so understand your questions but I think you already know the answers. Put yourself first….love yourself more than him, stop believing the unbelievable, dont settle for crumbs. Wishing you clarity & peace
I am in very similar situation to you. I too have been in a very deep and serious (for me in any case) relationship with a married man for about nine years. It has caused me so much pain and unhappiness. He seemed to me to be totally obsessed and in love with me and we had a great time. We spent virtually all our time together, saw him 7 days a week , went on holidays together and it seemed only a matter of time before something would change, for the better for me and him.But it never did and as the years have drifted by I have got more desperate and unhappy with this situation. I have come to realize that he is a sex and love addict – as I am – we are each others addictions, but the bottom line is he will never leave his wife and children and I now need to start to pull my life together away from him. It is really hard and not want I want to do, but what else can I do? If I don’t do this I will get sucked in even deeper and get more and more depressed. So tonight I am going to my first SLAA meeting. I feel ashamed he is married – I feel ashamed I have come to this – I don’t want to give him up – but I need to do something. We have had a miserable time over the last month, least I have, feeling unhappy and unloved and not listened to . So last week I said I need some space and I have not seen or spoken to him. It is torture. Sometimes I am OK, but a lot of the time I miss him so much it hurts and I keep thinking OK I will go back and just keep accepting the crumbs he offers me ‘cos I can’t take this unhappiness. I am going to the meeting to try to break this cycle. I hope it works. I don’t feel strong enough to get through this on my own and because of my shame around him being married I feel I have very few people to talk to about it.See what happens tonight?
Yes I know you right. He does want to help and has entered therapy. I pushed it last year which I now think resulted in him going into the relationship which has resulted in the pregnancy. I am confident that there are no longer other women I don’t know about, we have talked so much about it all, including when he has started the chase again and stopped.The difficulty I have and which is upsetting me is he is getting help, I am getting help.His wife insists it is all down to him and she has no role at all . I can’t help thinking we could have some space and at some point get back again
I identified so much with this, in particular not having anyone to talk to because of the shame. I am hurting so much at the moment but there’s a part of me that thinks its all my own fault and I should have known better. How did your meeting go? Did it help? Hope you get somewhere, you are so brave to have taken this step. Try and stay strong, I ended my relationship last year and started it again a few months later.It is now so much more difficult and painful for so many people because of the addition of another woman who is pregnant. I wish I had had the strength to stay away and not need to have known about it at all. So good luck and stay strong.
I so know the place you are in at the moment. I ended this relationship about a year ago ‘cos I couldn’t bear it any more and knew it was pulling me down. But I was totally addicted to him and I just couldn’t stay away. I really tried for about five months, when he pursued me relentlessly and in the end, ‘cos he had said all the things I wanted to hear, I drifted back into it again. But it has been good for only very limited periods of time. We have had some good times, but most of the time I was angry and negative and thinking it was the wrong relationship for me to be in, but feeling too fearful to put it down. What else was there for me out there?Don’t know what has pushed me into wanting to get out of it again, I think I have sunk so low I can see that I have to do something to get away from it ‘cos it pulls me down. Also, if I want a love relationship for myself, then I have to leave him to be open to that in the future. At this point in time I can’t imagine feeling like I do towards him about some-one else, but equally I feel that I deserve and want more and I’m going to have to just go with this pain if that is what I really want. If I don’t and keep going back, then it must mean I want all this pain and misery for myself.The shame is terrible I know. But you have been put in that place by him really, so it is nothing to be ashamed of – easy for me to say, it is only very recently that I have felt able to talk about this relationship to people cos I felt it was shameful and I deserved all that I got.And yes the meeting did help. I will go again soon and I’m reading lots and trying to stay strong and not have any contact with thim – one day at a time….Hope somenthing of what I have said helps – you are not alone – I understand where you are coming from. Are you going to any meeting yourself?
Take care x
Reading this has made me realize that it may not be just me that needs help. The woman whom I’ve had an affair with for 6 years must be going through all that you have talked about. She now knows my problem with online addiction, escorts and cheap thrills..Its consuming me and my life, but I’ve never thought how she could be just as obsessed with me…I’m meeting up with her today and I don’t know what is going to happen. She knows now that I’ve made the first step to recovery and I have counseling sessions coming up..I feel so ashamed on how I’ve treated her but in the back of my mind I’m thinking does she need help from me? Our nights together got steamier with more and more sex, she talked about a fantasy to bring in another woman…. She now is calling our relationship a bit weird at the moment? I tried to state that was understating it a bit…due to being discovered by her online. I don’t want to ask how she arrived on an escort site too (Or should I?) I know she loves me and does wish that one-day I will leave my wife and family…Are we self-destructive to each other? I love her deeply to, but my head is spinning and I can’t seem to function with life at the moment. I just feel that I’m the problem and should leave everyone and vanish for good.
Im wondering if a man is considered a sex addicted that if he was told to get treatment for his addictions ( other like drinking and drugs ) would he have to give up his mistress ??? and could this be a reason why he dont want to get treatment .. i know this man loves me and needs me in his life for some reason .. i just wanna know how i can help him
I hate this! I am so in this situation only it was me who ended up pregnant 2 times. I have been with a married man, he is 30 years older than I am and took major advantage of me in a horrible spot in my life. I have been a meth addict since I was 13, when I met D, my “secret lover” he was holding out his hand helping me up from the floor after pulling an ex bf off of me. I was being beaten. And D was there to “rescue” me. Its now 4 years later and I can say, I would rather be beaten to death than be “rescued” by this horrible sex addict that won’t admit he is addicted and puts everyone through hell. He has caused me so many problems and let his family ruin my personal belongings, they have had me thrown in jail, there have been several false reports to the authorities about me, I used a stun gun on D last November and was arrested for battery, the newspaper read “29 year old woman uses stun gun on her on again off again 65 year old boyfriend”. I just accepted his help that day and I felt compelled to return the favor. This has put me and my life on hold and I am now broke and living in a town 2 hours from anyone I know and have a 7 month old baby to take care of. I am at the end of my rope I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could take everything D and his wife have as they sit in their mini mansion, inground pool orchard out behind the house and ruin innocent peoples lives and then pay off anyone that has something to say about it.
Not sure you should really be looking at blaming his wife here. Have you thought about contacting CoSLAA, COSA or S Anon, they may be able to offer you valuable support?
Hi to everyone:
After reading all of this has made me realize that I am a co-dependent. I am very depressed at this moment. I’ve been the mistress for about 10 years after we stopped seeing each other after 12 years. we began to see each other again 10 years and since then we’ve been on and off. Although when we met, he was separated to his wife. I was always wondering why he goes away for a while and always returns saying that he can’t get over me, that he loves me. At least that is what I always believed. I do feel that he loves me but now I am deeply confused. Does he really love me and does not want me to suffer???? Or was I the stupid one who always believed him and remained faithful to him always waiting for the moment for him to cut off with his wife. His wife knows about me and obvious insulting me and she knows his problem which I recently discovered because I actually was not familiar to the term of sex addict nor love addict. We have been together for so many years and all these years it was just long distance relation because we are so far apart currently. I am reading a lot about the topic. He does not know that I discovered this. I do feel that I need him, I love him deeply. Just frustrated, don’t know what to do. It’s killing me because I miss him so much. I have tried cutting off with him not picking up the phone calls. I do for a while but eventually forgive him and believe all his stupid lies. He said that he wants a child with me. That he always wanted a child with me but have tried but never got pregnant from him, although I do have one boy. I feel ashamed of myself. Feeling the need to talk with people who could relate to my problem.
My husband had 3 major mistresses on the payroll and cost me almost 2 million dollars. He was sexually abused by his mother as a child and his brain was hacked. Now after decades and as a retiree and we getting her ensconced in a nursing home he wants to be w me all the time and feels safe. I often feel stark staring mad. He? Calm. Therapy group support church bible study and friends. But Praising God all the while.
I have read these comments with great interest because I am finally out of the mistress of a sex addict ‘relationship’. that I craved for 2 years. I’ve been sober in AA for over 3o tears and thought this could never happen to me. But it did and I paid a high price…. The toughest lesson I had to learn was this: *He never loved me. He couldn’t love me. He only loved the way I loved him.* That was what opened the door to leave for me. It was literally God doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Now that there’s some air between the two of us I know I am the lucky one because I was never in danger of him leaving his wife. That kind of toxicity feeds them both and they’ve been married for 42 years. What could I have been thinking? I’ve blocked him every way imaginable, but he continues to try and reach me. I feel safe for the first time in a long time. I’ve nearly stopped crying. My anxiety is pretty much gone. But the best part is that I’ve stopped waiting. I’m not waiting for crumbs of what I thought was love. I’ve stopping waiting for calls, texts, dinners, facetime…all of it. What a relief. xoxo