Hi,
I’m new to the site and am in a bit of a mess. I’ve been in a relationship with a Love addict for 12 years. His issues are clearly from his relationship with his parents as a child. His sister has battled with eating disorders for years, if only that was his addiction I could perhaps be more supportive. I’m really struggling with the whole concept of the addiction, as it causes me so much pain, I know thats selfish because he struggles too. He has had a relationship with a girl on and off for the past 2 1/2 years, I say on and off because we have split up 3 times in that period and he has now admitted that on each of these occasions he has been “seeing” her. It has now come to light that he has always been in contact with her, which I find unbearable. He says its different with me because he loves me, truly truly loves me.
But am I a fix too? I don’t truly understand the issues although I try. He says he wants help. Does he really? Or is he enjoying what he does? I know he says he feels shame and detests himself but then if she is his fix, if the feelings are so negative then why “act out”? Please I know this is going to make some people scream that I don’t have the understanding of the condition, but thats why I’m here to try and understand, contemplating life without him makes me feel physically sick and I’m not sure which way to turn I find myself drinking too much smoking too much and not eating. If I have some understanding then maybe I can help him work through this and we can live happily ever after. Is that possible?
Not suffering from the addiction means I obviously see things differently and wonder if I’m just being taken for a mug and he will continue to cheat, be it thought text contact with her or physical contact with her. I want to help him I really do, he says he has the perfect life, a woman who loves him, a son, a dog, a lovely home, if things don’t work out with us, he will just be changing the circumstances but life will still be the same and he will continue to do what he does.
I’m feeling quite distraught and as a bit of a damaged child myself, feel the need to self harm, so airing my problems here has felt quite positive. Is there a future with an addict? Is it possible to overcome this, if so I’m sticking around, if not I need to think of myself and my son, who is 14 and at that age where I worry he will be damaged by whats going on around him.
Thanks for listening
Hi there,
thanks very much for your very honest share, I hope it helped to voice what’s been going on. I think a lot of the people on this site will understand exactly the kind of feelings you’ve been going through, so there’s no need to apologize.
I haven’t been in a relationship with a sex and love addict, but as a child of an addict I can empathize a bit with the family members’ perspective.
There are several groups for the families and friends of sex/love addicts, which you might find helpful: www.cosa-recovery.org/states/International.html and www.sanon.org/MeetingsUK.htm. Otherwise Codependents Anonymous (www.coda-uk.org) may be helpful, and the following is a good leaflet: www.seattle-al-anon.org/PDF%20Files/S19-detatchment.pdf. These organizations are not affiliated with SLAA.
If you don’t mind me saying, it may also be worth you looking at the SLAA questions (slaauk.org/40-questions-selfdiagnosis), as you talk about the powerful emotional effect this is having on you. If you are concerned about your drinking or eating, AA and OA are also available.
My experience is that there is hope for me, whatever the addict in my life is doing or not doing, and that they don’t have to drag me down with them.
But I do have to focus on me and do my own healing.
Very best wishes with your recovery.
Thank you for replying, after a counseling session it has become apparent that he is not exactly an addict……. but an attention addict? which I feel is worse, because he has no actual diagnosis but he is just a cheat!
I treat him badly he retreats to someone else, I am sick of it all, I hate myself I hate him I hate the situation I’m in!
Yes I’m drinking too much, no I’m not eating hey ho maybe the problem is mine……………… I’m self harming too which I know isn’t right but it temporarily makes me feel better for my shit life that I have created……………………
Thanks for your honest share pinkprincess.
You may find www.harmless.org.uk (not affiliated with SLAA) useful with the self-harming.
My experience with dealing with other peoples’ addictions is – is their behavior causing me concern? Whether they deny it or not, whether they get a diagnosis or not, is what I am seeing with my own eyes causing me problems?
At all of the 12 step groups there is no requirement for membership, it is up to you to decide whether that group is helpful to you.
I think if you go to an SLAA meeting you might find a lot of people who understand what you’re going through, a group of people who want to be in healthier relationships.
Best wishes in recovery.
I also wanted to say that MANY people understand what you are living with.
I have just extricated myself from 13 yrs with a sex addict (the definition is mine – our lives had become unmanageable because of his compulsion). I found initial help through COSA (in Sydney) and am currently reading Melody Beattie Codependent No More as I still recognize my codependent traits.
It is a hard road but I cannot tell you how much better things are for me now. I sleep (!), I have no anxiety (it returns whenever I am in contact with him – I’m working on that one), I am losing the hyper vigilance and I am a better mother.
I am in recovery, but I am a long way off wanting a new relationship, even a healthy one! I have not got around to joining another group (now I am back in UK) but think that it will be a part of my continuing recovery.
Everything changed when I realized that I did not have the cure for his behavior.
The first step was sharing what had been hidden for years.
Recovery happens. It takes time and acknowledgement.
Good Luck.