I’m new to SLAA but already panicking about Step 9 – help!

Hi, After years of not knowing what’s wrong with me I’ve finally found a counsellor that has identified that I’m not just needy, I actually have love addiction.

I’m due to stay at a therapy centre soon for two weeks and a big part of continuing what I’m doing there is attending meetings when I come out, so I have been reading up on what to expect.

I know I’m jumping the gun a bit but I know step 9 is where you make amends. I already know there are two ex’s that I would need to bear in mind with this process but the thought of contacting them to do this is making me feel a bit strange.

I’m scared that my compulsive, fantasising behaviour will rear it’s ugly head and mean that I will start wishing the most recent ex will see I’ve changed and want me back. I’m already thinking this may happen even though I know it won’t.

Is it normal that I’m thinking like this and will the going to group help so by the time I’m at this step I can make amends with no expectation, it will just be making amends? I’m starting to feel like I’ve failed before I’ve even started :-( Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated Thanks

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2 thoughts on “I’m new to SLAA but already panicking about Step 9 – help!

  1. Prof Post author

    Hi Loulou,

    Thanks for your message. There seem to be two steps in SLAA (and for that matter all 12 step recovery groups) which people dread.
    Step 4/5 – in which you write out your life history and talk about it to someone else, and the “dreaded” step 9.
    I too was a little worried about that step. However, on reflection, it took me over 18 months of SLAA work before I reached that step. The steps are laid out in a logical manner, taking each one in turn will eventually bring you to a place where you are able to consider this step.
    Although the length of time which this can take to reach this step,varies; and some people appear to reach it quite quickly,
    I would advise perhaps you take your time in your recovery. There is no rush to go through the steps, and doing each one slowly and thoroughly first will leave you in a much better state to make amends.

    Making amends to someone else should only happen in a way which releases you or them. If it would make matters worse in making amends, then you can discuss this with your sponsor. It may be that its more appropriate to make amends in other ways such as living amends.

    Good luck in your recovery.

  2. Kevin 652 Post author

    Hi LouLou.

    Perfectly normal. I know how it feels to be panicky about step 9. I am nowhere near step 9 in SLAA, but I do have some experience in AA.

    What I can tell you is that the steps are designed to be done in that order, so if you are just starting, you don’t even need to consider step 9. In fact I think steps 8 and 9 can be positively dangerous without the preceding steps.
    I have done more harm than good by jumping the gun on those steps.
    Each step is the key to the next one.

    Once you have done a step, suddenly the next step becomes the “next right thing to do”. But not until.

    Do you have a sponsor to guide you? If not, then it sounds like you would find it helpful to have one.

    May your HP be with you.

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