I’m pretty sure I’m a sex addict…

Ok, so in brief heres my story. I’m a 26 year old female, struggling with a combination of a high sex drive and low self esteem. I used to work as a stripper/lapdancer, and used to adore the gratification I got from men wanting me. I was only 21 when I started stripping, and was in a long term relationship. Then it started getting worse… I would look for further encounters to satisfy my needs. Whilst still with that partner, I would have cyber and text sex with other men, and eventually embarked on an affair lasting nearly a year, as well as having countless one night stands and other encounters with both men and women. I convinced myself its just that I wasn’t happy in that relationship, and so ended it after 5 years. Whilst then being single I was almost worse. It was like the stopping mechanisms to make me not sleep around weren’t there anymore and I had more one night stands and sexual partners. I then met a man who I fell totally in love with, and who for a time, made me very happy. So happy that I felt like I had my ‘cheating’ desires in check. I had one slip toward the begining of our relationship. But for the majority of that relationship I was fairly well behaved. That is, I had minor slips, and quite a few instances of cyber and text explicit chat. Things really came to a head at the beggining of this year when I got involved with a married man. Only ever on the internet, nothing physical happened. But my boyfriend found out. The relationship soon ended, despite our best efforts. I also confessed to him about my previous infidelity. We have since decided to make another go of things.My problem is this: I cannot stop myself from thinking about/wanting sex with other men. I thin about sex ALL the time, to the point where I cannot function or concentrate sometimes. I fixate on guys I barely know. Daydream about running away with them, or having sex with them. And the sex I crave always seems to have the same themes. Degredation. I am overwhelmed by these things, and find myself cruising Facebook or MSN to speak to guys I know who will talk to me explicitly, or tell me how much they want me.Now, I do love my boyfriend, and I don’t want to hurt him anymore, but I’m terrified that maybe one man just isn’t enough for me… Am I doomed to be miserable and alone??? I haven’t actually had any other sexual encounters since getting back with my boyfriend, but I WANT to. And have met up with guys, lied about it to my bf and still find myself on Facebook and MSN looking for guys to chat to.I am seeing a therapist, and he pointed me in the direction of SLAA. But I’m terrified to attend a meeting. Can anyone offer any words of advice/help?Many thanks, NotLikeOtherGirls

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10 thoughts on “I’m pretty sure I’m a sex addict…

  1. Spender Post author

    Hi.You seem to be aware that you have a problem or else you wouldn’t have posted on this site.You are a Sex addict. The good news is that if you can admit this to yourself then you have a chance of recovering. If you stay in denial, or ignore this progressive illness, then it will get worse. Guaranteed.Follow your therapists advice and get to a meeting, in fact get to as many meetings as you can and you will quickly realise that you are not the only one with this illness and that there are ways you can live a healthy life by accepting what you are and that you dont need to act out your sexual compulsions.It’s not easy but it’s better than living in a state of uncontrollable obsession and compulsion.I have been sober since Feb 08 from Sex and Love addiction after activley acting out on my addiction for over 20 years.The first step is accepting you have a problem and that your life has become unmanageable due to your adddiction.Then get to meetings. It works if you work it. God bless youSpender  Don’t act out and the answers will come.

  2. Fergus Post author

    Spender is so right about the changes that can happen in your life if you decide to reach out, ask for help and work a programme. However one point that I feel Spender has overlooked is the anorexia part of sexual acting out. I acted out sexually for a verylong time and thought it was just because I was highly or oversexed. The real reason was that I was absolutely terrified of intimacy with myself and my partner. I have not acted outsince last Easter and have found the sexual acting out, which I had though was the problemis only a sympton of the underlying issue that is anorexia. If your in London try to goto an anorexia focus meeting. It may not make sense immediately but it will if you keepcoming back. Your not alone.

  3. Pinkluvlylady Post author

    hello there!Your post struck a chord with me,I am 29 from a middle class family,relatively educated etc .I’ve always needed mens attention and approval….and even though I have a great guy…I still crave more from negative sources. Aged 18 to 22 even though I was going to uni, I  worked in the sex industry in one form or another…be it phone sex, dating agencies,stripping and massage parlours/escorting but stopped when I was ‘rescued’ by my now husband and I continued to behave until several years and two little kids later when I started to crave it again,needing to flirt and seduce,wanting more new sexual partners and mini romances and even swinging or charging guys for sex. I was totally honest with my husband about my past and issues and he has been very supportive of me,despite it nearly splitting us up twice. I’m trying to stop my behaviour in it’s tracks now…seeing how pathetic and pointless it all is. I realised recently my behaviour has always been addicted (I have been addicted to love/sex/food issues) I’ve just finished reading a book called ‘Women, sex and addiction: a search for love and power’ by Charlotte Davis Kasl which has helped me to confirm that I really need to get help with my issues…before something terrible happens or I lose my husband/kids. It also gave me a bit of insight as to where they might have stemmed from. I’m hoping to start going to meetings soon. If you ever want to chat to me on msn let me know!It sounds weird but I am quite normal and fun and definately trying to get it sorted.

  4. Notlikeothergirls Post author

    Hi, thanks for the reply. And yeah, it does sound like our stories are similar… I would really appreciate the opportunity to talk to someone about this, in fact Im supposed to find a sponsor. Im reluctant to put my email address up here. Is there anyways of contacting you privately on here. Failing that I’ll just set up a new hotmail account and post that here. But yeah, it would be good to have some one to throw ideas around with…. Im normal too honest!

  5. Pinkluvlylady Post author

    Hey, thanks for the reply…Are you going to go to any meetings? which area are you in?I’ve been behaving myself and getting rid of some ‘negative’ contacts who might lead me astray,also not been going out by myself looking for men. I feel a bit better for doing it but equally feel a bit bored and numb. I’m worried it might flare up again. I’m also not feeling attractive and as sexual as usual (which makes things a bit crap for me and hubby.) Maybe I’m shutting myself off a bit.I understand not wanting to post an email address…not sure what the bestway to go about it is? I know I have spoken to men pretending to be women several times from other sites…only way round it is a quick hello on the phone or webcam. It would be great to have another woman to talk to…a few people have laughed when I’ve told them I think I’m an addict. Even hubby doesn’t really understand it. Plus it’s hard to tell what is JUST ME and what is the addicteion…I feel like I’ve been addicted ever since I was very young. So differentiating between my healthy side and my addictive side,plus a bit of depression is sooo confusing. Sorry if I’m rambling!

  6. Likedami Post author

    hello, I have just found this site and read your stories.
    I have discovered my partner is a sex addict. He admits it and says he wants help and wants to stop. He has begged me not to leave him. I truely love him and want to help but I need to know can this addiction be overcome? I find myself having panic attacks, and horrible feelings I cannot explain, I feel so emtionally fragile.
    Can any one tell me if there is any hope for us as a couple and how do we get past the day to day pain?

  7. Sal_1978 Post author

    Hi there …. I guess the most important thing you have done is admitting you have a problem and wanting to do something about it. It is tough trying to overcome something like this, and you really have to take one day at a time and look at the reasons why you seem to fall back into that place where you shouldn`t be. Goings to SLAA meetings will help as you will probably find that you are not alone in this and realise that people can change….  I`m sure with the support you can get from forums like this and the meetings you will change things for the better…. Best advice is not to give up and think long term …..

  8. Sal_1978 Post author

    Hi likedami, I can probably relate to your partners situation coming from the other side (being a male) and know how he must feel if he is genuinely upset with how he has acted and wants to change. I can also understand how you must feel as my partner can really relate to you as well as she has had to deal with a lot and had the same feelings as yourself. Take things one day at a time and set some ground rules, depending on the type of addiction he has (i.e. if it is porn, take away the computer) and things like that. He should be willing to comprimise on anything and everything for a while as trust is a very hard thing to get back once it is lost…… Initially the addiction needs to be controlled, you need to make changes in your life which involves you both doing things together (e.g going away, going for meals, doing activities together……etc). It would be good to both go and see a councillor/therapist to deal with this together and encourage him to go to SA meetings. . . . Without knowing too much about your situation..i know that love is always something worth fighting for…..  

  9. Notlikeothergirls Post author

    Hi pinkluvlylady , I really would like the chance to chat to you, as what you’ve said resonates a lot with me! Ive gone to one meeting in London so far… I should go to more, but its actually tough finding the time. I have set up another email account, so drop me a line on (EMAIL ADDRESS DELETED) . It’d be nice to get the chance to talk to someone who understands and doesnt just tell me to ‘stop’. I’ve spoken to my bf about this a lot too, but its so hard, coz he’s emotionally involved. And obviously I dont want to hurt him any more then I already have… I have turned to friends too, but I dont think they really
    understand. So yeah, drop me an email. It’d be nice to chat to you, if you dont mind. I think we could learn a lot from each other. :)

    IT IS SLAA POLICY NEVER TO PUBLISH PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL EMAIL ADDRESSES, CONTACT NUMBERS OR HOME ADDRESSES. THIS IS TO PROTECT THE SAFETY AND ANONYMITY OF ALL PERSONS INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF THE FELLOWSHIP. IF YOU REQUIRE HELP FROM ADDICTION PLEASE ATTEND YOUR NEAREST MEETING. PLEASE BEAR IN MIND OUR MOST IMPORTANT TRADITION: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

  10. Shouterosi Post author

    Hi.This is my first ever contribution to this forum I just discovered.I am in Brighton and hope to attend one of the meetings.Please,we should remember that not all strong sexual appetite is wrong.It is when it affects your ability to function as a human being that it becomes an issue.If your partner has a much lower sex drive than you,it means just that.There are so many others you don’t know who have even stronger cravings and maybe you need to find them.Millions and millions would do anything to have a good sex drive.If you like to have many partners,it probably means you are not ready for a monogamous relationship at the moment and you should give yourself some time.I have read of women who have really churned out big time numbers and one day,they just meet a man they connect with in ALL aspects,get tired and decide to settle down.You are right in your name that you are not like other girls,but realise that there are other girls at the other end of the spectrum who have no true interest in sex and are having relationship issues as well on account of that.Do you know that some people can not function properly because of their INABILITY to find a sex partner,even when they have high sex drive,causing desperation and possible excessive masturbation and distress.If your normal daily function goes smoothly,your career,social and family life is fine,you have no business here no matter how many times you have sex or with how many people if you don’t feel sad about it.

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