Hi Have done a lot of work on my LA – mostly in one to one therapy, having made miraculous progress by treating the underlying codependence, and detoxing from childhood abandonment.
For the last four years have worked VERY hard on myself. This year, started dating a guy who like me is also in chemical addiction recovery, who I got to know slowly over the course of a year. I am mainly avoidant but also can switch to being addicty in relationships. Have faced it all down, dealt with my own feelings, stayed adult, and SHOWN UP and been present.
It has been the scariest and most rewarding time of my life. Here i am doing an ADULT relationship!!!However, it became apparent that he has poor boundaries around women. No sexual acting out but unable to resist seduction bombs from ‘helpless’ girls new to the other fellowship, rescuing ‘coffees’ to discuss their unhappy marriages, responding to their texts (it’s all intrigue!!), not setting boundaries. I set my boundaries, stated my needs (and the importance of emotional safety in the fellowships) and thought I had been heard. He was also overly involved with his ex wife (not sexual, again rescuing her, financially enmeshed, etc) e.g. kept me waiting on a date to go and rescue her after her car broke down. Set very firm limit – you either propertly separate from your ex and show up for me, or I’m off. He didn’t sort it out (‘not fair on her’) so i left.
So far so good – stayed mature, let him be who he is, didn’t act out, didn’t contact him etc etc. The problem I am having is he is bombing me. So the acting out with these girls has escalated – again no sex, just engaging with the madness to the point where one girl is now after me as the obstacle to true love with him. He has booked a holiday with another girl in the other fellowship ‘as friends’ (she told me, and I stayed calm, didn’t react and just went home calmly!).
I was doing OK until he then sought me out at a meeting where we’d agreed it was my safe place and then stormed out in front of everyone and then invited me on holiday instead. I could go on … blah blah blah you get the picture. It is all bombs and hooks.I’m doing OK on not instigating anything, and I am not bombing. But I am REALLY struggling not to REACT. I am doing OK on not hating him, he’s just an addict after all and I’ve been where he is, and he is unconscious of what is going on (did try to get him to see the light but copped on to myself quite quickly). I just feel there is no where to escape from the constant provocation to engage in negative intensity. Lots of people in chemical fellowships don’t get SLA so I am out on a limb.
I feel vulnerable. Girls being bitchy scare me (they wanted him when he was my man, and still do and are quite enjoying themselves I think!!!). i know it’s all sickness, and I know it’s NOT mine but I am struggling to not take it personally and not react. I am attempting to keep my head down but it seems that everywhere I go there is some sick woman with some bad news to tell me about my ex! Anyone had similar experiences? Thanks TJR
Hello,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I have only recently admitted to myself that I am co-dependent and I am yet to attend meetings, but I still hope that my comment may be helpful to you.
I have had similar experiences. The man I am still involved with (we have been friends since early youth and were in a long-term relationship) also thrives on drama and intrigue without accepting that this is an addiction. It is not for me to tell him what to do and I have come to accept that I can’t manage his life for him, but like you said, I find it extremely difficult not to react when he tells me about the latest intrigues, or when I meet other people who tell me about this.
You seem to have done a very good job of not compromising your boundaries, and I can imagine it must be very distressing that you don’t feel safe in your other fellowship.
I have no experiences with any type of fellowship yet, but from a friend of mine who is a 12-stepper in NA I have got the impression that they take such things as personal boundaries and co-dependency issues very seriously.
Can you speak to your sponsor or other people in your meeting so they can help you ensure that you still have a safe space there? Your recovery should not be compromised by your ex’s problems.
Wishing you all the best,
Gemini, London