Starting over, just for today

after another slip, of contacting qualifier,no motivation then other to ask him to buy my dog food, i yet again “trip” into the same cycle, of mayb it would be ok to meet him,i want a roast dinner and a cuddle, he wants me to use crack and suck his shrivelled piece, at the same time as bein repulsed, frightened, yet it bounces around my head and i consider! Yes, i am poorly of the mind, body and soul when it comes to this stuff!!!

how many times, when we will i learn any contact sends me on this cycle,I AM POWERLESS!!
ive wrote myself a willing to be willing piece,reminded of the abuse,of no contact, of him being ill, please angels help me with the cravings, help!! basically
i live out of london, no meetins,i let go of my sponser, i was dishonest with a slip, in fear of bein let go,yet i cant get well without being honest, i just cant, and dont wan to think i can get away from it!! yet i was in fear, of losing the sla spony , as im not able to go meetings and pick up anew one,i dont feel out on a limb, im not well, yet it seems i have to trust god on this, that if i put it out there, another person will again give me there valued time, ESH. Also, ex spony did speak our her own current space,that she felt wasnt in a strong postion to sponser me, so i came clean and let her go, i phone others in london, i leave my account of where im at, wishing them a good day, just to stay current, im currently doin step 8, na.
Cried this morning, liked i loved him , yet mixed with sadness for he is truly slave to his illness,his paranio, lonliness,fears, constantly seeking his next fix, a sense of not just letting go, yet knowing he is in his illness, he may nener recover, never experience peace,freedom, alignment with god,its very sad, and yes, i do care about him, what a waste of a human life. so im not well, yet doin wot i can today towards my recovery,havin faith,prayin to stay unhooked.
thankyou for being here, charlie

2 thoughts on “Starting over, just for today

  1. Prof Post author

    Dear Charlie,
    Thankyou for all your messages. Its great that you get solice being able  to write on these forums. Stick with it. SLA is hard work. Try and get to a local meeting or perhaps visit london for a few days to get meetings. In time you may even be able to set one up locally to yourself!
    Just sharing your thoughts helps you to let go of your addiction.
    Best wishes,

  2. Sarah A. Z.

    Hello Charlie,

    Thank you for sharing. I am in a situation that I got myself into. I have been “sober” in SLAA since January 20, 2020. I think I am going to restart my sobriety date. I have a male sponsor for cross addictions steps, yes, I know, it probably wasn’t the best idea but he was and IS really good at the steps. He has healthy boundaries and I have spoken to people in SLAA and they feel I should keep him. I really want to just drop him, block him, and run but I know this will just be transferred onto someone else. Despite my “sobriety” and working the steps, I have been stagnant on step 9 but I am going to pick up and continue onward, I think I need more help. I just printed out a “bottom lines” packet and I am writing out my bottom lines, as well as my destructive/addictive and accessory behaviors. Writing it down alone is so helpful!

    I am going to keep writing it, journal, and will then take a look at where I left off at step 9 and continue onwards with it. I just want to keep moving forward, not backwards, I just want to get better. I am thinking of restarting my sobriety date. I will eat up whatever thoughts I have of pride, I just want to be okay.

    Just for today, I will not obsess over my sponsor, I will not drop my sponsor or my sponsees, I will redirect myself when I think about him, I will talk to my SLAA sponsor (who is a female), and I will work through this.

    FYI I am bisexual and have had crushes on sponsees who are female. I just want this to stop, once and for all. I also just reached out to a therapist who does therapy for people with attachment issues. My friend in SLAA told me she sees her and that she practically “cured her” when she was seeing her consistently but it became a little pricey. I am going to pray to higher power, turn this over to her, journal, and call it a night. I love myself too much and have come too far to give up now. I am in it to win it, there is only gong forward, not back, going back isn’t an option for me. I am no longer who I was then. The old Sarah would never do this, she would be obsessing, watching videos, listening to love songs, self-satisfying physically, etc.,


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